For This Daughter I Prayed

6 years ago today, I was blessed to become a Mommy for the first time, to my precious daughter, Nechamale.

Although I have shared my journey to motherhood several times before, and although it is deeply personal, I decided it's finally time for me to put it on paper.

Shortly after our wedding, (like many women in our community,) I was already dreaming of becoming pregnant and welcoming a baby as soon as possible.

I expected it to happen quickly and naturally, as it BH does for most woman, but as month after month passed by without any news, I started to feel very anxious. 

Any doctor I shared my concern with said to wait at least one full year before worrying, which didn't really feel possible...

But when we hit that one year mark, my fear and emptiness reached a whole new level. 

That second year of waiting was so painful for me, and I was extremely impatient. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I did not "take it well" at all!

Although I used to love kids and especially babies, during this time I was basically allergic to them. I just couldn't come too close. I was also allergic to Bris Milas. (I remember literally running out of one in middle, trying my hardest to hold back my tears until I made it home..) 

I tried to have faith that everything would be good, and every month I would find some encouraging signs and fill my heart with new hope and anticipation. But that only made the disappointment and loss that followed even more intense.. 

Besides for almost all of my own friends who seemed to conceive right away, living in Crown Heights meant that it was nearly impossible to ever distract myself. Reminders of my deep yearning were all around me. Walking down the street, it felt like almost every woman was Baruch HaShem either expecting or pushing a baby stroller.. and I couldn't understand why I was left out.

As I went to work every day as a teacher and program director, I could hardly spend more than a minute in the teachers' room without becoming sensitive to the maternity conversations and retreating to my office to be alone with my emotions.

Of course it felt like many people had stupid comments like "I'm so jealous that you're so skinny," or "Enjoy your couple time while you can.." 

But actually, there was nothing "right" to say either, because when you are so sensitive to something, even the sweetest and most caring comments can hurt -because they touch that soft place and bring those painful emotions up to the surface. 

(Although I must say that there were some exceptions. When I complimented Mrs. Miriam Swerdlov on a baby outfit she knitted for her grandson's Bris, she promised me that she will sew one for my baby too bezH. Her words actually gave me a deep sense of faith and comfort, and needless to say, she kept her promise with a beautiful baby outfit that I still treasure.)

Shortly before our first anniversary, I had joined a Farbrengen with Mrs. Hendel from Tzfas who was speaking about a guaranteed Segula to get married or get pregnant. For fertility, she recommended organizing a weekly taharas Hamishpacha shiur in your home for at least 10 women each week. You should also include some Chassidus in the shiur, and most importantly, you should ask each of the participants to say lechayim with your names, and bless you with "zera Chaya vkayama"...

When I left, I was discussing it with two friends, one of which had been married a year before me and was still waiting. I said that I could never do that, it would be so uncomfortable and embarrassing! But they argued that there is nothing embarrassing about wanting something- everybody has something they want. And besides, if you want something enough you will do anything to get it.

I still wasn't ready at that point, so I told my friend that I will join her group instead, which I did.

Thank Gd she gave birth that year, and by the time I was approaching our second anniversary, I was more than ready to try it myself too.

I had already been through a very early, yet devastating miscarriage, had tried some pills for several months without success (although there was no known reason for our wait, I wanted to at least do "something" until I know more), had tried some other classic Segulos without avail, had hoped and prayed without end... and I was feeling completely desperate.

I mustered the courage to call one kallah teacher to give over the review course, but  when she said it wouldn't work for her, I remembered to ask the same teacher who had done it for my friend, and was so relieved that she agreed.

Mrs. Ester Chein was amazing!  She was kind, caring, clear, and inspiring, and gave us a full 6 week course. 

I realized that no matter how many times I review, I always learn something new - even if it's just a small detail or insight that I hadn't heard before. 

We also added a class with Sara Karmely and Chaya Klein.. and each time we included some Tanya with Chana Nemni, and of course, went around for everyone to say Lechayim and their names..

I felt I did everything "right", so when I still didn't get pregnant that month, I was feeling more discouraged than ever.

I had also just finished a 40 day tehillim group, and I felt there was nothing more I could possibly do... 

I tearfully called my friend who had done the shiur last year and asked, "Am I supposed to continue these classes forever until I get pregnant, or do I give up?"

She answered that on the contrary, from her experience and the experience of some of her friends, it actually happened only the Mikvah after the last class.. and she blessed me to see the same.

I wish I could say I had full faith, but I was actually feeling broken.

I remember sitting on my couch and crying as I read the introduction to Nechama Greisman's  anthology about Chana's bitter tears and prayers. 

How she did not accept her husband's comfort that there are other things in life besides children, how she would not make peace with the fact that she might never have a child, and how the Rebbe learns from here that the first and most important mission of a Jewish woman is to bring a child, (or another child,) into this world.

I wondered, "If that's my whole purpose in this world, and if this is what's needed to collectively fulfill the ultimate purpose of the world, how can this chance possibly be denied from me?!"

But suddenly, I stopped and asked myself  "Why I am crying? Where is my faith? How do I know I am not pregnant now?"

And I found my faith..

A few days later I excitedly went to the pharmacy to buy yet another test.

But this time I didn't use it right away.

First, I needed to have a word with Hashem.

After all, what could He possibly gain by me taking the "natural" route to fertility? 

I promised to give Him full credit and publicize my miracle if it would happen this time. 

I also promised to give a certain amount to Tzedakah and to speak to my child in Yiddish.

Full of confidence I was ready to check... and was overcome with tears of joy as I saw that it was positive! 

I decided that even before I tell my husband, I must say thank you to Hashem!

As I ran up Kingston Ave. towards 770, I cried as I whispered "Yesh Elokim - There is a Gd in this world!" Of course I always believed in Him, but now, for the first time, I saw Him with my own eyes. 

That had been the first month that I had taken a break from trying any pills, and I felt like Hashem wanted it that way on purpose- so I shouldn't doubt that He is the only One who holds the key to fertility.

"Yeshuas Hashem Kheref Ayin- the help of Hashem comes in the blink of an eye." In a moment my whole world turned right side up, and I was filled with the greatest happiness and gratitude I had ever felt.

In retrospect, of course 2 years is not really such a long time to wait. But that would only be true if we had a video of the future and were able to see how everything would soon turn out for the best. 

Or... if we truly had faith.

But in the moment, for me, every day of that second year felt like forever.

Looking back, I am BH able to see the great blessing in my painful wait.

How much more I appreciate my precious children,

How much more I recognize that they are the greatest blessing,

How much easier it is for me to remember that raising kids is not hard! Hard is Gd forbid not having children to raise, for there is nothing heavier in the world than chv not having a "burden" to carry...

How much more the idea of birth control is removed from my imagination..

How much easier it is for me to understand and relate to the pain of others who are still waiting- whether to find their husband, or to have a child..

And most importantly, how many people I was fortunate to inspire with my story, some of which were since also Baruch HaShem blessed with babies in the merit of Taharas Hamishpacha -

Including myself, 

When I was once again impatiently waiting, one child and a few years later...

***

May Hashem immediately bless all those who are waiting to wait no longer! 

And may Hashem give endless strength and true Yiddishe, Chassidishe nachas to all those who are blessed! 

Most importantly, may we all finally be blessed to wait no longer for the birth-pangs of this Golus to end, with the coming of Moshiach now!