Home All Day With the Kids

B"H

I'm not proud to admit it, but this whole past week I've been in complaining mode.

I told anyone that asked, that "I had such a hard week," and I told myself the same. I was feeling bad for myself because my kids were sent home from gan for runny noses, and I "had" to be home alone with them all day while my husband was away and I had hardly any other help.

I was annoyed at basically everyone; at the gan's new strict policy, at the doctor who wouldn't give me permission to return even though they were fine, at my cleaning lady for getting sick at the same time, and at my kids for wanting me to entertain them the whole day. And two of the nights my toddler ended up really not feeling well and didn't sleep at all... so I was feeling completely exhausted and mostly in survival mode.

This morning, I was still singing the same tune, telling my friend that even though I was able to send my son back to gan, it doesn't "help" because I still have my toddler home with a cold. And of course I added how crazy it is that he wants me to be with him the whole entire time, and can't entertain himself for even a few minutes, not even with a video.

But her response really woke me up.

She said, "I guess Hashem wants you to be home with him now, and enjoy it. I guess Hashem thinks that he needs Mommy time before the baby comes around..."

Those few simple words somehow went straight to my heart.

Suddenly I realized how distracted I had been, how I had forgotten everything I believe in, and what a great opportunity for quality time I had lost out on all these days - with the greatest loves of my life.

I quickly closed my phone, picked up my toddler, and for the first time all week, sat down on the floor with him and really played.

Not just with my body, but finally fully present, with my entire heart and soul.

For the first time all week, I finally really laughed with him and enjoyed the great gift that Hashem has given me of this precious time together.

I realized that the only reason this week had been so hard in my eyes, is because I had just refused to accept it. I wasn't ready to change my plans, and surrender to what Hashem had planned for me instead.

I was reminded of the hypnobirthing book I recently read, which explained that the pain of labor comes only because of our active resistance to what our bodies need to do.

If only I would have relaxed and gone with the flow, if only I would have accepted what IS instead of what I thought should and would be, I could have had the most lovely family time this week.  

But in my mind, I had decided that my Mommy time was only supposed to be mornings, 4-9pm, and weekends, so when my kids suddenly needed me all day and night, I resisted with all my might. I kept trying to keep up with my prior schedule, commitments, and to do lists.. and I felt so frustrated when that proved to be impossible.

But now, I'm ready to embrace the truth that being Mommy is thank G-d a 24/7 job, and that having time for others, is the exception, not the rule.  

I'm ready to embrace the truth that G-d's greatest blessing of children is a package deal which requires always being there for them, whenever it is that they need me. Whether I'm in the mood or not, whether I'm tired or not, whether I expected it or not, whether I had other plans or not...

I'm reminded of the reason why we say Shema twice a day; to remember that if we would even be ready to give up our entire lives for Hashem, surely we can be ready to give up much smaller pleasures and desires for Him... and the same is true for my children.

And I remember that being with my children is the LAST thing in the world that should ever, G-d forbid, be felt as a waste of time!

The rest of the world can be put on hold, but never my kids!

For there is nothing and no one that will ever be more important that these precious little souls that were entrusted especially to me.