I Need More Time

The kids just fell asleep. 

There's less than an hour less to the fast now, and all I want to do is rest and pass the time, and dream about what I will break my fast on, and about all the things that I need to do. 

After all, it's been a long and hard day. I felt weak, dizzy, tired, and hungry. I felt lousy and unproductive. I felt a bit impatient and grumpy. I was mostly trying to just survive it.

But now that it's almost over, a part of me is not ready for it to end. A part of me wishes I could hold onto this day just a little bit longer. 

I need more time to take its message to heart. I need more time to search for the personal meaning. I need more time to find the inspiration. 

Without it, I'd be missing the point. I'd be wasting the potential. 

If tomorrow will be no different than yesterday, in a way, I will have fasted in vain. 

Because every yom tov has its special power that's meant to last us through the whole year, and tisha b'av is no different. 

Sure, our main focus every day is meant to be on being grateful for all that we have. On serving Hashem with joy. On feeling proud of our people, our history, and our victories. On focusing on the solutions and the future, instead of the problems and the past. "One good action is better than 1000 sighs."

But this one day is here to tell us that it's just as important to never be satisfied or complacent. To never forget our void. To never forget what we're missing. To never forget our pain and our shame, and that of all of our nation, for all of history. 

To remember all the horror that we've been through, to contrast it with the golden ages we've been through, and to mourn our loss. 

To remember that this is not the way the world is meant to be, and to yearn with all our heart for all that could be, and will be. 

This is the one day we're meant to let our tears flow free, to feel the regret, to feel the loneliness, to feel the discomfort. And to take a trace of those ashes and mourning with us, even as we dance and feast.

And on this day, we are meant to remember how such small wrongs brought about such huge destruction! How so few people caused such great tragedy. 

And to remember the awesome power each person holds for the opposite - with one good thought, one good word, or one good action.

To exchange shaming in public for praising in public. To exchange closing our eyes for standing up for those in need. To exchange holding onto our pride for letting go of our ego. 

To exchange ignoring the advice of our Rabbanim for respecting their Divine intuition. To exchange our self-absorption for genuine care and empathy. To exchange illogical hatred for illogical love.

So from today, I want to focus on the art of FREE love, which is the only kind of real love.

Not the kind that thinks about what I will receive in return. 

Not the kind that thinks about what's in it for me. 

Not the kind that feels resentful when there's not enough appreciation. 

Not the kind that feels burned out when I don't see the results as quickly as I want.

Not the kind that calculates how much to give and to whom...

Not the kind that judges or looks down at the person I am trying to help... 

But the kind that is generous, unconditional, and unlimited. 

 

Because if we can practice loving freely, we can undo the mistakes of the past and we can already live in the future.

And as we express the G-dliness within, we can demand from Hashem to do the same,

So that there will never be another day of mourning.

לע״נ ר׳ מנחם מאיר בן ר׳ חיים משה יהודה הכהן  ע״ה