But I Want to See

Last week, someone forwarded an audio clip of a beautiful song, sung by a young girl Hindy, who was born very premature.

She miraculously made it and is thank Gd completely healthy...

Except, that she can't see. 

For some reason, her story really touched me and I just couldn't stop thinking about her. 

I dropped what I was doing and sat listening to her song, over and over and over again.. until even my kids were singing along with me.

And every time I listened, I found new layers of inspiration and personal meaning.. 

I had never met or personally known of anyone else who was completely blind before, so it was the first time that I really reflected on what that means.. 

 

My first impression was just wow! This girl is blind, yet she is so incredibly strong and positive! There is no trace of self-pity. 

If she can find joy, how much more so can the rest of us!

And she must have amazing parents because they truly succeeded in nurturing her inner faith and self confidence and love for life! 

I wish I could learn their secret.

But then I wondered, but what does she really mean by, 

"But I can still see,"?

It sounds really beautiful and optimistic, 

but the fact is that, sadly, she can't. 

The poor girl has never ever seen the light of day! 

She is living her whole life in complete darkness.

She is missing out on all the pleasures that our vision grants us, 

That the rest of us can all take for granted. 

She has never seen all the beauty of this magnificent world...

She has never seen a sunset or garden or rainbow. 

She has never seen green mountains, blue oceans, or shining stars...

Or any of the other wonders of creation.

But then I thought, 

Forget about nature, 

She has never even seen her own mother or father!

She has never even seen herself, in the mirror...

She has no image in her mind of how anyone looks!

But that's when I suddenly realized what she meant by,

"Just not physically,"

And how true!

That yes, she still CAN see all that is really important!

She still CAN see her mother and father, and she still CAN see herself.

Very possibly, she can actually see others, and herself, much better than me! 

Because thank Gd I can see, 

But when I look at myself in the mirror, do I really see myself deeply?

When I look at another, what do I see?

Do I truly see their mind, and heart, and soul? 

Do I see beyond the surface?

Do I really see them and understand them through and through?

There are so many layers to sight, and the physical level is just the surface.

So yes, 

While she can't see physically, 

She can still see with her mind.

She can still see with her heart.

She can still see with her soul.

"She can still love and still laugh,

And live life just the same. 

Her heart is her guide, 

She has true vision inside 

She knows just how much she can be,

Cuz she can still see."

If anything, 

just as her lack of physical sight makes her more in tune with the rest of her physical senses of hearing, smell, touch, and taste,

How much more so it surely heightens her spiritual senses!

It takes away a huge superficial distraction, that we all enjoy, yet majorly struggle with, at the same time.

I realized that that's why when we really want to connect to HaShem on the deepest level, and focus on our complete faith and oneness with Him, we first need to close and cover our eyes. 

We need to block out all possible distractions, because even looking in our siddur at the holy letters of Shema Yisroel, would take away from our soul's inner vision of the true reality.

And that's why when we really want to connect in our deepest human relationship, we first need to close the lights and close the shades. 

Again, we need to block out all physical distractions, because even looking each other in the eyes would take away from that deepest unity and intimacy. 

I can just imagine how many real moments Hindy has, 

And how many more real moments we could have, 

if we would choose to close our eyes and really see, 

just a little more often.

Because I want to see,

Not just physically, 

I don't want to just keep 

On living life just the same...

I too want to see with all my heart,

For I know how much more I can be,

When I'll start to really see.

***

But then I could hear her deep and painful yearning,

That says it's still really not ok! 

How she's feeling locked in a room,

Desperate to open her eyes and see all the beauty, 

Desperate to be able to unlock the door that is blocking her vision, 

But not being able to find the key because it's too dark.

And so she remains stuck,

in her personal prison.

I can hear her deep loneliness of knowing that she is locked in that room all alone, 

by herself,

Deprived of all the beauty that is surrounding her,

that she can constantly hear the rest of the world enjoying without her.

I could sense her sadness of knowing that she is missing out on something so great, 

Yet not even being able to truly imagine what that is. 

Because while she can hear all the words, and repeat the names of all the colors, she surely can't imagine what they all mean, when she's never seen them before in her life.

Later, I found Hindy's picture. 

I was looking at it and thinking that it's impossible for me to truly imagine what life is really like for her...

But in that moment I realized, 

that in truth, 

we are all in the same boat.

Because her story, 

is all of our story. 

In truth, 

We are all living our lives in deep darkness. 

We are all blind,

to the true reality of creation. 

We are all blind,

to all the spiritual beauty and wonder that is hiding in every place, in every moment, in every situation, and in every person.

We are all missing out on the most pleasurable sense of all - the ability to truly see Gd, face to face.

And that's why we are so confused.

We mistake truth for lies and lies for truth.

We mistake wisdom for foolishness and foolishness for wisdom.

We mistake the primary for secondary, and the secondary for primary.

Every time we reach a fork in the road, we don't know which way to turn, because we can't see what's up ahead.

True, thank Gd we have mostly learned to get around with a walking stick, 

to keep doing what we need to do, 

To keep having blind faith in Gd, even when His goodness is concealed...

To keep choosing to do what's right, even though we don't see the unions and lights and delights that we are creating...

But we don't always make it.

Each time we stumble in the dark and fall, 

Each time we make a mistake, 

Each time we get hurt, 

or hurt another...

We try our best to stand up and try again. 

We try our best to learn from our past, and to follow others' lead.

We try our best to find clarity in the chaos,

And to return to the true path,

Through the black of night.

Of course we know that it's not by accident that the lights are out.

That the whole purpose of creation is that we struggle and win.

That Gd hides and we seek.

That we prove our deep love and deep faith, by following Gd blindly in the desert..

And by revealing the hidden light through our own determination.

But it's been much too long and it's about time for Gd to come out of hiding! 

True, 

We know that He is still always by our side.

And that the darkness is not complete.

And that the key is not out of our reach.

And that we already do have access to at least some of the light.

And we thank Gd that we were given the greatest gift of the light of Chassidus, so that we can at least be aware that there IS a real world out there -beyond what meets our eyes of flesh.

We are grateful that thanks to Chassidus, we can at least repeat the names of all the Sefiros and spiritual worlds,

we can at least talk about Gds greatness, and glory, and different levels of light,

we can at least learn about the angels and our lofty souls... 

and we can at least read about the enormous pleasure and joy that our Torah and Mitzvos bring Him.

We are lucky that thanks to Chassidus, we can at least try to intellectually understand Gd on some level, start to sense the truth of our nothingness, and try to influence our heart to feel it...

All we really need to do is open the holy books, internalize their light, and use it as our guide.

And then, 

we can all still see, 

Just not physically...

But the fact is that until Moshiach comes,

It's all still abstract.

It all still feels relatively dry, 

and theoretical,

and removed from our conscious reality, 

While all of the physical pleasures and pains are seen and felt clearly, before us, in full color..

As much as we learn, 

It is still hard to truly Daven when we can't see Hashem in front of us.

It is still hard to truly have faith in the Rebbe's prophecy when we can't see how close we are to it's realization.

And it is still hard to truly feel the spiritual pain of Golus, and yearn for Geulah, when we have no idea what we are missing out on...

When a girl asked Hindy how she deals with all her challenges, she couldn't even really understand the question!

"I'm sure they would help me if I needed it," she replied with a smile, "but I don't have any challenges."

That story is so incredible and inspiring,

But in a way also so sad at the same time...

Because just like Hindy, we too, are so numb to our challenges.

We too hardly feel the void, because  none of us have ever experienced it in the first place.

We can barely feel the spiritual deprivation, because this is the only life we know.

We can barely feel the yearning of our soul, because we are all so used to this prison of darkness that we grew up in.

The only difference is that unlike Hindy, we don't even feel lonely, 

because we have nobody to tell us what we are missing out on...

We think it's normal, because we are all in it together.

All of us that is, 

except the Rebbe.

So it's actually the Rebbe who feels the great loneliness..

Of being the only one to experience true vision. 

The only one to truly care.

The Rebbe, who sees Gd and hears Gd, and who was able to envision the final Redemption even at the tender age of two,

The Rebbe who cried such bitter tears at the spiritual exile we are locked in..

while we sat listening without emotion, 

stuck in our Golus comfort zone, 

not able to feel the urgency, 

not able to imagine what the world is really meant to be, 

not able to fathom the awesome pleasures that await us.

Just as there is no doubt that the pain of Hindy's parents, who have to watch their precious daughter deprived of one of the greatest gifts in life, must be so much deeper than her own,

Because they KNOW what she is missing,

So too, the Rebbe's pain is of course so much deeper than our own,

Because he KNOWS just what we are missing-

With every extra moment stuck, in the deep darkness of Golus.

And that's why we need him.

Because if there's any hope that we can wake up and start to have true faith and yearning, it's only through our connection with the Rebbe.

Because even though we can't yet see all by ourselves, at least we have a human guide who we know can! 

We just need to trust his vision.

I remember myself as a girl of 12, sitting deep in thought, questioning everything that I've been taught.

How do I know that all this is true?

How do I know that I'm not sacrificing my desires for nothing?

How do I know for sure that HaShem is real, that Torah is Divine, that Moshiach will really come, that all my Mitzvos will pay off...?

And I remember the moment the answer came to me so clearly...

Because the one thing I know for sure, is that the Rebbe is real. 

And if he said HaShem is real, 

and if he said Torah is true, 

and if he said Moshiach is coming in our time...

Then I don't need any other proof.

Because I trust him. 

And I know that he sees. 

And the more we learn his teachings of Chassidus, the more we will be able to start opening our eyes to the true reality.

The more we learn about the future Redemption, 

the more we will be able to yearn for that time, 

when we will finally experience true vision and beauty.

And the more we yearn for the final Redemption, 

The faster it will come,

The more prepared we will be,

The more we will enjoy the "aha" moment,

And the more we will be able to appreciate and delight in all that our eyes will very soon behold!

May we finally experience the time when Gd will open the eyes of the blind, and when

"וראו כל בשר יחדיו כי פי ה׳ דיבר״".

When together with Hindy, 

we will all see Hashem with our physical eyes, 

with the true and complete Redemption, 

immediately now!

לע״נ ר׳ מנחם מאיר בן ר׳ חיים משה יהודה הכהן בלוי ע״ה