Bribes and Threats
B"H
Every time I use bribes or threats to motivate my kids to do what they need to do, I feel so unsatisfied with my parenting style. A voice inside me says it shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't have to add a second clause to my sentences.
I want them to just consistently listen to whatever I tell them to do without any external reasons, and I know it must be possible, because there seem to be so many other moms out there who do it.
But the big question in my mind is always how? What is the alternative?
What should make my kids want to stop playing and instead go brush their teeth or daven or learn, or go to bed and lay there quietly until they fall sleep, just because "it's time"?
What should motivate them to put others first and "give in" to their siblings and friends when they really want to always have the "best" for themselves?
I wish there was an easy answer, but I know that there isn't.
Bribes and threats are the "short-long" way to get through the day, but there is no real short-cut to raising kids. The "long-short" way is in every single story I tell, every good example I show, and every "victory" I catch and praise. I won't see the change happen overnight, but my job is to just keep planting the seeds.
It's not that there is something "wrong" with bribes and threats, because even adults are always motivated by something. The only difference is what kind of reward? And what kind of consequence?
I can re-frame my goal as slowly refining their motivations, and slowly developing higher senses of pleasure.
I want them to get pleasure from their sparkling teeth instead of the brushing teeth video that I can show them after, to get pleasure from the smile on their sibling's face instead of the sticker in their album, and to get pleasure from knowing that they made Hashem proud, instead of the chocolate chip.
And I want them to be afraid of disappointing others, instead of their losing a privilege, to be afraid of making their own Neshama sad, instead of losing a treat, and to be afraid of the natural consequence of their choice instead of the artificial consequence that I chose...
The more I talk about those "real" rewards and consequences, the more it will become real to them. My greatest tools are my attention and praise - which should always be focused on what I want their future motivation to be.
They might still ask me for the "prize," and I can still give it to them, but I don't want to talk about it too much anymore. Bribes and threats sound so bad for a reason - because they usually refer to unrelated external motivations, which are not very helpful for building inner values and character.
So my goal for now is to slowly move towards more internal, emotional, and spiritual motivations and rewards. I want to focus on praising their good choices, on singing and dancing about their victories, and smiling and applauding and gossiping about their accomplishments.
And if they hurt a sibling, I want us to focus on fixing the hurt feelings of the other, not on "hurting" them back by taking something away from them.
I know it's easier said than done, and I'll probably still be tempted to stay safe by adding the "if and then", but I'm going to try and go for it, and I'm excited to see how they'll respond bezH:)
Every time I use bribes or threats to motivate my kids to do what they need to do, I feel so unsatisfied with my parenting style. A voice inside me says it shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't have to add a second clause to my sentences.
I want them to just consistently listen to whatever I tell them to do without any external reasons, and I know it must be possible, because there seem to be so many other moms out there who do it.
But the big question in my mind is always how? What is the alternative?
What should make my kids want to stop playing and instead go brush their teeth or daven or learn, or go to bed and lay there quietly until they fall sleep, just because "it's time"?
What should motivate them to put others first and "give in" to their siblings and friends when they really want to always have the "best" for themselves?
I wish there was an easy answer, but I know that there isn't.
Bribes and threats are the "short-long" way to get through the day, but there is no real short-cut to raising kids. The "long-short" way is in every single story I tell, every good example I show, and every "victory" I catch and praise. I won't see the change happen overnight, but my job is to just keep planting the seeds.
It's not that there is something "wrong" with bribes and threats, because even adults are always motivated by something. The only difference is what kind of reward? And what kind of consequence?
I can re-frame my goal as slowly refining their motivations, and slowly developing higher senses of pleasure.
I want them to get pleasure from their sparkling teeth instead of the brushing teeth video that I can show them after, to get pleasure from the smile on their sibling's face instead of the sticker in their album, and to get pleasure from knowing that they made Hashem proud, instead of the chocolate chip.
And I want them to be afraid of disappointing others, instead of their losing a privilege, to be afraid of making their own Neshama sad, instead of losing a treat, and to be afraid of the natural consequence of their choice instead of the artificial consequence that I chose...
The more I talk about those "real" rewards and consequences, the more it will become real to them. My greatest tools are my attention and praise - which should always be focused on what I want their future motivation to be.
They might still ask me for the "prize," and I can still give it to them, but I don't want to talk about it too much anymore. Bribes and threats sound so bad for a reason - because they usually refer to unrelated external motivations, which are not very helpful for building inner values and character.
So my goal for now is to slowly move towards more internal, emotional, and spiritual motivations and rewards. I want to focus on praising their good choices, on singing and dancing about their victories, and smiling and applauding and gossiping about their accomplishments.
And if they hurt a sibling, I want us to focus on fixing the hurt feelings of the other, not on "hurting" them back by taking something away from them.
I know it's easier said than done, and I'll probably still be tempted to stay safe by adding the "if and then", but I'm going to try and go for it, and I'm excited to see how they'll respond bezH:)
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