Disclaimer and Clarification:)

Last night, a friend asked me a few questions about my posts and made me realize that it's important to insert a disclaimer;) and also some more explanation, so here...

First, I'm not an authority.
I'm not a Rebbetzin or a Torah Scholar or a chinuch professional or anything close to that... and I'm also not representing anybody except myself.
I'm just a young Lubavitcher mother, with my own little journey, bravely sharing some of my personal "diary" with my Facebook friends - for whichever care to read;)

I don't at all assume that all my present attitudes are correct or "the best" or the only right way!
And I also can't say that I won't change my mind, either on my own, or because of new experiences, learning new things from older/wiser friends, or from more Torah sources or classes.
Just like I learned something new today, I can learn and discover something new tomorrow, and the day after that... just like everybody else:)
That's kind of what we're doing here on this planet - living and learning.

(And I don't mean actually "new"- just new for me, maybe old for lots of others)

Second, I love the golden rule of "do what works and don't do what doesn't work";)

If it's working well for you to give tangible rewards and consequences, and you're happy and satisfied with your system, go ahead and continue:)

There is a really important quote that "מתוך שלא לשמה, בא לשמה" - That a person should still do good things evsn if it's for ulterior motives, because eventually they will come to do it for the right motives.

And the Rebbe gives a beautiful deeper layer to this  - that even within the ulterior motive, there is always the inner G-dly motive, (even if we aren't fully conscious of the voice of our Neshama.)

So there is definitely nothing wrong with whatever tools we use to motivate our kids to choose good! And their good deeds are never Ch"v useless, even if they seem to do it for very superficial motives.

But I would really love to encourage my kids to reveal their souls as much as possible, and to do good sincerely for the sake of Hashem, instead of for their own benefit. 

I personal was really uncomfortable with my old style and I'm so happy to be trying out this calmer, higher, more peaceful, more natural, and more G-dly way! 

It also made me realize there are so many things that they will do just because I asked, especially when they see that that's what I expect.

And it also became clear that most of the time, reward and punishment are actually irrelevant. We need to take the time to deal with the actual emotions, problems, and real needs at hand, not just to put on an artificial and generic band aid!

By going off auto-pilot, I'm actually forced to think about what's best for this specific situation, and turns out there are really plenty of great solutions:)

Third,  I want to address some philosophical questions about Torah's perspective on bribes and threats..

Q1: My friend mentioned that one of the basic principles and foundations of our faith is that we believe in reward and punishment, and that the Torah actually speaks about it a lot! So how can I make it sound "bad?"

A: I think that believing in reward and punishment from Above is exactly what makes us less dependent on reward or punishment from human beings below! If our kids can internalize that "There is an eye that sees and an ear that hears," that Hashem holds us accountable for all of our actions, and that there is a "World to Come," - that would be an example of a higher motivation that I'm reaching towards. That would mean that they don't need "my" little bribes and threats, which are tiny, temporary, and inconsistent anyway, and that they would be motivated to do what's right even when "nobody" is watching.

Of course it's not the ultimate level because it's not truly altruistic, and our goal is to learn to serve Hashem just in order to bring Him pleasure, but it's still a safe base.

Q2) The Rambam writes about "bribing" children with sweets to do good, so doesn't that make it the Jewish way? 

A) It definitely makes it not "wrong" - but there is still a higher way! Even within Torah, there are many paths that we can choose from.

The Rebbe spoke about the potential of today's generation of children to do something that no previous generation was able to do. Today, even little children can relate to spiritual pleasures and desires! The Rebbe proved this from the story of the Rebbe Rashab, who at the age of 4 or 5, cried not because of toys or candies, but because Hashem didn't reveal Himself to him! The Rebbe said that the fact that this story is public today, is proof that it applies to every single one of today's children. We now have the ability and responsibility to educate our kids to appreciate spiritual things and to have higher motivations for serving Hashem.

We probably can't get to that level overnight, but we can slowly move our kids in that direction by refining their motivations, little by little.

Also, of course there are exceptions to every rule and a time and a place for everything!

For example, we have a minhag to help kids associate Torah with sweetness by having them lick honey and receive candies when we introduce them to Cheder.

I didn't make my sons areinfirnish yet but I'm really excited to do it in the near future, and of course he is too. I also still plan to make my kids a siyum (with sweets) when they finish learning a certain amount of mishnayos or Tanya Baal peh.

But those are not really bribes in my mind because the areinfirnish is a one time grand introduction, like Matan Torah, and a siyum is celebrating the extra Torah they learned and showing how exciting and important it is, but it's not happening multiple times a day or happening for basic things that they should be doing anyway on their own.

Q3) My friend also pointed out that "praise" is still a kind of reward, so if children are motivated by praise from an adult, isn't it still external?

A) Yes. But attention and praise are definitely still more refined methods than treats, prizes, or privileges!

Although it is a reward, I don't think anyone would call it a "bribe." It's not something we could say in advance, like "If you do this, then I'll praise you."

Also, the right kind of praise is much more than just attention and affection! It's the future "inner voice" of the child which teaches them how to praise themselves,  even when "nobody else" is around.
And when we explain the real reason not to do something that's not good or healthy, that explanation will become their inner voice and understanding in the future as well.

Finally, I want to share an amazing Sicha I learned a while back, where the Rebbe asks why Torah spends so much time speaking about physical rewards for doing Mitzvos? Torah needs to be speaking to everyone, including Tzaddikim, so what message do these rewards have for them?
The Rebbe explains that it's because the whole purpose of the world is for the spiritual and the physical to unite! So when we do something good spiritually, there must be a tangible, physical, positive reaction!
Earlier in history, this connection wasn't so obvious or quick. But in our generation, the final generation of Golus and the first generation of Geulah, this connection and union is already fully revealed! That's why today we can promise a Jew that if she will start keeping taharas hamishpacha, she will have a baby, and that if he will put up kosher mezuzahs, he will be physically protected.
We need the physical rewards not as a motivation to do good, but because that is the ultimate revelation of "dira b'tachtonim" - Hashem's presence fully revealed in this material world. It's simply natural that Mitzvos bring brachos!

That's one more great message to share with our kids- that even though we don't do things for rewards, we nevertheless are always rewarded automatically!

I hope that by focusing on more emotional and spiritual motivations we can prepare our kids for the near future, when "all delicacies will be like dust" and our only interest will be to know and unite with Hashem. May it be now!