Surrendered Parenting

B"H

I've read about what it means to be a surrendered single and a surrendered wife, and of course it felt so right and made so much sense to me, but somehow I never realized that it's all the same when it comes to parenting!

I'm sure it's all out there, but somehow I just missed it. 

I must have heard the message a million times in subtle different ways, but it just didn't sink in.

I guess there are some things we can only learn and absorb through our own personal experience.

Today, on Day 2 of our "bribe and threat free" home, I finally got what it means to be a peaceful parent.

Our home felt so much calmer, and the kids were actually acting better, not worse. 

And as soon as they fell asleep, I suddenly realized why.

Until now, I was somewhat naively thinking that I can control them.

I was even mistakenly thinking that that's part of my "job" as a parent. 

And of course, it seemed to work out just fine, because I'm in a practical position now that I actually can control their "actions", or so I subconsciously thought...

But what I was forgetting was that to be human is to have free choice! 

That to be human is to have self-control - and only self-control.

That means that nobody should be controlling us in any way, and we should not be controlling anyone else in any way, - and that includes our own children! 

"Surrendered Parenting" is realizing and accepting that I can't, and I really don't want to, "control" my kids.

Contrary to what I believed, that would actually be the exact opposite of chinuch. 

What I want is to raise them, inspire them, teach them, educate them, motivate them, and most of all provide a good living example for them. 

What I want is to encourage them to strengthen their own self-control.

By letting go of bribes and threats, as small and subtle as they may have been, I was getting rid of toxic energy that I didn't even realize was there. It felt so fine and normal, and it wasn't like it was anything major or even that many times a day, but now that I gave it up, I can feel the amazing difference. 

I'm sure it's nothing new for lots of moms out there, but for me it's a great new beginning.

I finally internalized the fact that my kids are not just kids, but "real" people.

Little people, but still individual people, with their own minds and hearts and souls and ability to make their own great decisions.

I'm sure they didn't realize it consciously, but I imagine that they too felt slightly manipulated when they did what I asked partly because of some small prize that they want to earn, and slightly defeated when they did what I asked just because of something small that they don't want to "lose."

In the long run, it would probably even make them want to do the opposite ch"v, just to feel their own autonomy.

Most importantly, it was actually denying them the full sense of satisfaction, self-respect, and dignity that comes from "owning" our own good choices - which is actually the birthright of every Jewish soul!

I remembered that even Hashem chooses not to control us! 

He definitely could if He wanted to, but that would defeat His whole purpose in creation.

The only way He gets pleasure is when we CHOOSE Him on our own, so even He chose to be a "Surrendered G-d" by giving every single Jew true free choice!

Sure, He gives us the Torah and all the tools to make that right choice, He tells us about the natural rewards and consequences of each of our actions, and He actually pleads with us to choose Him, but He still doesn't use force! 

Of course that free choice is limited to things that are related to "Fear of Heaven," and as parents, the choices we give our kids are also still limited and age-appropriate. But as long as there is no real danger, the more choices we can leave in their hands and motivate them towards naturally, (just as we would adults,) the better!

B"H, I'm loving my new status as a "Surrendered Mother" - and I'm sure it will feel just as liberating for them as it will for me! 

I pray that Hashem help me only go forward, and help them enjoy true personal victories that they can be proud of!